2005-04-20 - 1:32 p.m.

OK, I feel plain crappy and I have no idea why. Sure, my blood pressure is up a little but that's probably because the bronchitis that I've had for three months has moved in to my sinuses and hired redecorators, landscapers and is putting in a pool. Wait, maybe that's it? I've been frigging sick for three months and I feel crappy!

What do you do when the doctors look at you with that fake sympathy in their eyes and say, "There's not much we can do that you're not already doing." If I poke him in the eye when he leans forward to deliver his pronouncement, that will make me feel better!

I should write a handbook for patients. 50 ways to deal with doctors who won't help you. A poke in the eye might be number 1. No bloodshed or blindness or anything, just a good shot of blinding pain for a minute or so. I should probably describe the proper form for the best possible poke. First, you bend your knees a little, twist the hips, twist the shoulders, bring the finger into line and poke! Geez, I'm getting twisted in my old age.

Maybe I just haven't hit anything in too long. I haven't been in armor since Coronation when I had a really great time. Do you think the doctor's would respond differently if I wore my metal gauntlets to appointments? They would if they knew I was the author of the best selling "Doctor's Who Won't Help You: A Poke in the Eye Does Wonders!"